Aaron
ok then ishall awake you from your slumber
00:04Ashley
indeed
you shall
and i shall wander through the wispy tress
00:05Aaron
until you find the path you seek on this adventure you take
00:07Ashley
but i shant seek a path forgotten! my adventures are my happiness
00:08Aaron
indeed a path much traveled and not forgotten and misplaced or a short time before it is found once again
00:13Ashley
A long time it is found once again! but once it is found, it is the grandest gem of them all! the paths not followed are not forgotten! the character they breach shall entice you to wander to and fro many times
00:16Aaron
and in that frolicking, it shall fill you with its sweet nectar and bring about the feeling of warmth and happiness. this path is what is sought, and in that search much is learned and seen but non compare to the sight of seeing the path once more
00:23Ashley
and once within the sight of seeing the path once more, many a men have lost sight of the seen and instead only dreamt of the nectar, for things once so sweet and warm can corrupt a foe or friend in thrice blinks of an eye! it is wise to partake in such jovial activites, such as frolicking and fumbling, with a partner or two.
00:25Aaron
for enjoying the sweet nectar is grand indeed but partaking of it with another is even more so. sharing the feelings of wrmth and happiness brings much more to the path than treading it alone. hand in hand the partners doth highten each experience to levels before unkown
00:30Ashley
indeed kind sir, and doth it not become the envy of those whose nectar fields hath not been sweetened? tis a shame that not one alone nor all can feel the warmth that is this nectar on this path to eternal experiences and heightened senses! only the apple picker is able to climb the apple trees, as only the able can travel this path, and not all who travel shall feel the warmth, though the nectar is what they seek, it will not be sweeted for them. ah! i dare say one of the mysteries of life! what combination of partners shall make the nectar sweet? none know, until they embark on the journey!
00:33Aaron
indeed my faair lass, that was doth spoken with much insight. those who never proceed on the journey shall never taste of its sweetness and enjoy the wrmth that it doth provide. without the seeking of the path there shall be no warmth or sweetnes to be fulfilled
00:36Ashley
but nay shall they be guarenteed the calming sensations that the nectar doth bring! the fear of failure to taste the nectars hath no power over the excitement that the unknown brings thou! quickly step towards my path dear sir, it seems you are losing ground upon your own, and as was said, the journey to the nectar shall suit more a fancy together!
Aaron
i shall indeed accept thy kind offer to journey with you on his path my fair ladyto the nectar we shall travel and into its warm embrace we shall go. together hand in hand we shall find what we seek.

so ia m writing to you all about what i feell.

i love anoerexia and i love fucking drinkig and i love my boyfriend.


thi thing is onl;yh two of the three are known. he donese't knowi love him.

oh and tonight jeff and i started to fuck in my car without a condom and i just said i coulnd't cause i can't have his baby! he even just said three "pumps" but i don't want to do that and risk it and also not get pleasured myself.

also his mother called and he told her what he was doing anhd he said "i'm going to [[some girls]] house"
 and i go COUGH COUGH SOME GIRL?
and he goes "ashley's haha"

but that stuff bothers me he told me he tlaked to his mother babout me and shit. idkkkkkk. 

:( i just relaly care about him but i'm not giong to cry or do that drug anymore around him haha cause all i do is let people down. 

oh and how are you doing?

Well, just to see what's going on. Hmmm..

Eating habits. While in utah not only did i throw up but i stopped eating and kinda got back to my old self. i lost only ten pounds but it's the push i needed to get back on track. but i've stopped throwing up my food because it takes alot of time for me toget it there and i just don't want it to be how i do things. i'd rahter not eat. well i've ate alot since i've got back. but i don't think i've gained any weight. i'm going to s tart going back to the gym to lose the last ten and be happy finally with the way i look. i really am only finally being pushed cause my mother is a bad inf.luence and told me daily "you'll get the weight off" and jeff always tells me i'm fat even though now i think he think's i'm hot finally.

jeff. he is the finest boy i've ever dated. usually i'm not shallow and i date guys who i like personality wise and really don't care about the looks of them. but jeff, he is different. he's actually cute and he always makes me laugh (and sometimes makes me cry). lately i had been crying LOTS because i was on drugs, nothing major, and it just made me emotional so i almost fucked up our relationship thing on that. which bothers me, and is a problem. jeff won't tell me we're dtaing but we act like we're dating. we kiss and peck and hug like we're dating. we hold hands in public, most of the tyme, we fuck (OHH IT'S SO GOOD) and we go out places together. idk what his deal is but everytime i want to leave and show him that he doens't have me under his spell i just can't. he makes me want him by not being clingy and not galways showing me attentino. idk i think i love him.

utahh. i didn't even notice the time there. it went by so quickly. i can't even believe that i was there. being with my mother and her other just efels like a dream now that i'm in michigan again. i just cant' fathom that i took the bus and dind't see my ferinds for a month. it's weird. i miss her but then again i don.t. my dating jeff is causing a rukus in the family. they don't see how i can love outside my color, which i again think is FUCKING IGNORANT, and they say brash remarks and are quick to blame him and guilt me. 

in a way i miss doing heroin, cause i did it like a little bit this summer, but since i've went to utah i havent, but i stil lmiss it. idk if that makes me a drug addict or what. i just know that while in utah i CHOSE not to drink or even go to this park where they sell anyting you want because i'm trying to do good with my life. school is coming up and i'm just nervous that thinsg will be different. i have to lost the last ten before school starts. 125 is my goal forever. i won't have to lost any weight after taht.

but alright i'm outtie laura hope you like, i'll write more anotyiher time cause there is more i just can't remmeber anymore. :) love yo uboo.

tired. got gym membership. yay.

i love albainians.

soooo i don't like things  and stuff. i dont' know whatever. ineedsex. tomorrow starting december first i'm not eathing bad shit for the whole month.

game?>

I love salt :) 
I love SALT L
i love SALT LI
i love SALT LIN
I love SALT LINE
I love SALT LINES
:)

i think in the past two days i have eaten 9 chocolate kisses
a cup of hot coco
a half cup of noodles
:)

today my grandpa and i had a sad moment. he said he's going to kill himself with a gun if he goes downhill or gets sick. this scares me because recently he got a gun certificate and is buying a gun in the next week. i told him that i wanted to at least know if he was going to, and i thoguht iw as going to bawl. and he started crying, descritely, and i let him pretend his eyes were itching because i know he would be embarrassed. it's sad becuase the reality of all this is, in less than two years he might be gone, a good chance. i won't ever get over him dying because he was my fatehr for all these years. practically. i really dont' know what i'll do because sometimes i feel like in our family i loev him the most, but of course nobody else thinks that. they all claim tocare about him but they only come knocking for money and when their feeling sad. because he will bring them up. i hope he doens't do it soon.

:( i wasted time arguing them and ti's true, you can't take back time.

haha i typed my user name thing to log on at tooth_paste

okay so i know i hav etrust issues, but i wanted somewhere to vent without thinking you'll htink i'm crazy, (cause i know you guys really care about me) but anway. so paul i think idk i htink that he's a normal guy and ys that sounds fucking obvious, but i was thinking, what if like i was in deyonce's phone as like "stupid hoe" or "give's it up easy" even though i didn't do shit with him but make out, like maybe he thinks that i will, and THAT'S why he's calling. he dones't really like me, he likes the challenge. like you know, idk i just really wanted to c hi.ll with him tonight and now i kind a have nothing to do :(. like, when i told him i coudln't do something tomorrow *complete lie, i just didn't want to seem like always available* he was like yeah that's okay i'll just call you sometime and i think if he really liked me like deyonce and chris and ALL them say that he does, he would be like oh well i'll call you next weekend or something. and like idk, like we're not an anything yeah i know, but still like idk i just dont' get why i'm feeling EXACTLY like i did when i first went out with nolan *yes bad comparison* like, i'm getting the tinglies, real ones, and butterflies and giddy and happy and like the "uhh, uhhh durrr" I CAN'T TALK thing that i used to get, like idk. haha i feel stupid for even writing all this girly dreamy love stuff haha because i'm not a person who likes people erally easily, like i get INFATUATED, and i thinkj that i don't reallly like him, i'mk just, infatuated, or he's mysterious. idk i like that he is a "badboy" but also that he is smart, he knows like the big words and got straight a's, till he started smoking weed. he's just a good guy. paige doens't think he's the most attractive person, but whatever, he's a good guy. haha. like i just wnat him to call me back and magically be like omg i have you a ride i'm kidnapping you and your coming over NOW! but no that doenan't happen. today i was like fantasizing about him like ranndomly driving to my school and picking me up and surprising me by like just being there. (this is why it was a fantasy) i've always wanted that, like a little surprise from a guy i like to show he cares or is thinking about me, or like a boyfreind ro soemting. i think what i want out of this is like another relationshop, but a good one, like a real one, even though this wouldn't be real to me beacuase DUH the president cant date someone who smokes weed, but still like i want a cutsy one with someone again. i miss boyfriends, but like people i like, you know li8ke i'm never dating a friend again because it's stupid. like i miss the relationshop of nollan and i NOT NOLAN. becuase i felt secure,happy and loved for once in my life. i jsut wnat that again. :( that's why i'm hoping things will work out wiht paul and i, becuase i want something liek that again. like corey HAH what a joke, never will i date that kid. and zak, no not him either, he's a straight up boy, and eric, he's such a good guy liek i would be treated like a PRINCESS with him, and i don't know why i don't like him, today i actually missed him, it was weird as hell. i missed him coming to visit me, i missed him talking to me. it's sad. i kinda want to like talk to him, i would love to date him, but something is not letting me, i'm back to liking people who don't like me. kevin did, but then i dind't like what a pussy he turned into after we dated, nolan i felt inferior to, nels was just a mistake, and that's it for people i genuinely liked. it's a short list with an even shorter datage time. whatever. well thanks for reading this if you did.

i'm going to sleep.

so. i was right. we were all right. haha. it's kinda funny. things work out never for me. eh, it's not like i want it anymore. 

weight is good because of my lovely :)

tired now though.

well, yesterday was intereseting.

so i had a powder puff game :) but then my ex, bestfriend/boyfreind ignored me :( and it was sad. nowww, i told him not to ignore me and he's liek chill and i'm like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK!! LIKE YOU HONESTLY ARE BEING GAY. all in my head this was said, but stil. i miss him. nobody knows though, i'm pretending not to, but i do :( and he dones't want antyhing to do with me.

it's all so depressing. i'm talking to my councler about getting me free therapist so i can jsut have a place to talk and stuff :( :)

hopfefully soon, ill know what teh fuck is wrong wit hme

now everything if fucked up, i'm depressed and eating, and sick and sad and missing him and just missing him.

argg fuck boys!!

so it's done. and it's leaving me helpless. i wanted things towork, i alwasy say shit, but when the end comes, i'm devastated. he was my bestfriend 

then he was my boyfriend

now he's neither.

i just want it all back.