oh and tonight jeff and i started to fuck in my car without a condom and i just said i coulnd't cause i can't have his baby! he even just said three "pumps" but i don't want to do that and risk it and also not get pleasured myself.

also his mother called and he told her what he was doing anhd he said "i'm going to [[some girls]] house"
 and i go COUGH COUGH SOME GIRL?
and he goes "ashley's haha"

but that stuff bothers me he told me he tlaked to his mother babout me and shit. idkkkkkk. 

:( i just relaly care about him but i'm not giong to cry or do that drug anymore around him haha cause all i do is let people down. 

oh and how are you doing?

Well, just to see what's going on. Hmmm..

Eating habits. While in utah not only did i throw up but i stopped eating and kinda got back to my old self. i lost only ten pounds but it's the push i needed to get back on track. but i've stopped throwing up my food because it takes alot of time for me toget it there and i just don't want it to be how i do things. i'd rahter not eat. well i've ate alot since i've got back. but i don't think i've gained any weight. i'm going to s tart going back to the gym to lose the last ten and be happy finally with the way i look. i really am only finally being pushed cause my mother is a bad inf.luence and told me daily "you'll get the weight off" and jeff always tells me i'm fat even though now i think he think's i'm hot finally.

jeff. he is the finest boy i've ever dated. usually i'm not shallow and i date guys who i like personality wise and really don't care about the looks of them. but jeff, he is different. he's actually cute and he always makes me laugh (and sometimes makes me cry). lately i had been crying LOTS because i was on drugs, nothing major, and it just made me emotional so i almost fucked up our relationship thing on that. which bothers me, and is a problem. jeff won't tell me we're dtaing but we act like we're dating. we kiss and peck and hug like we're dating. we hold hands in public, most of the tyme, we fuck (OHH IT'S SO GOOD) and we go out places together. idk what his deal is but everytime i want to leave and show him that he doens't have me under his spell i just can't. he makes me want him by not being clingy and not galways showing me attentino. idk i think i love him.

utahh. i didn't even notice the time there. it went by so quickly. i can't even believe that i was there. being with my mother and her other just efels like a dream now that i'm in michigan again. i just cant' fathom that i took the bus and dind't see my ferinds for a month. it's weird. i miss her but then again i don.t. my dating jeff is causing a rukus in the family. they don't see how i can love outside my color, which i again think is FUCKING IGNORANT, and they say brash remarks and are quick to blame him and guilt me. 

in a way i miss doing heroin, cause i did it like a little bit this summer, but since i've went to utah i havent, but i stil lmiss it. idk if that makes me a drug addict or what. i just know that while in utah i CHOSE not to drink or even go to this park where they sell anyting you want because i'm trying to do good with my life. school is coming up and i'm just nervous that thinsg will be different. i have to lost the last ten before school starts. 125 is my goal forever. i won't have to lost any weight after taht.

but alright i'm outtie laura hope you like, i'll write more anotyiher time cause there is more i just can't remmeber anymore. :) love yo uboo.

tired. got gym membership. yay.

i love albainians.

soooo i don't like things  and stuff. i dont' know whatever. ineedsex. tomorrow starting december first i'm not eathing bad shit for the whole month.

game?>

I love salt :) 
I love SALT L
i love SALT LI
i love SALT LIN
I love SALT LINE
I love SALT LINES
:)

i think in the past two days i have eaten 9 chocolate kisses
a cup of hot coco
a half cup of noodles
:)

today my grandpa and i had a sad moment. he said he's going to kill himself with a gun if he goes downhill or gets sick. this scares me because recently he got a gun certificate and is buying a gun in the next week. i told him that i wanted to at least know if he was going to, and i thoguht iw as going to bawl. and he started crying, descritely, and i let him pretend his eyes were itching because i know he would be embarrassed. it's sad becuase the reality of all this is, in less than two years he might be gone, a good chance. i won't ever get over him dying because he was my fatehr for all these years. practically. i really dont' know what i'll do because sometimes i feel like in our family i loev him the most, but of course nobody else thinks that. they all claim tocare about him but they only come knocking for money and when their feeling sad. because he will bring them up. i hope he doens't do it soon.

:( i wasted time arguing them and ti's true, you can't take back time.

haha i typed my user name thing to log on at tooth_paste

okay so i know i hav etrust issues, but i wanted somewhere to vent without thinking you'll htink i'm crazy, (cause i know you guys really care about me) but anway. so paul i think idk i htink that he's a normal guy and ys that sounds fucking obvious, but i was thinking, what if like i was in deyonce's phone as like "stupid hoe" or "give's it up easy" even though i didn't do shit with him but make out, like maybe he thinks that i will, and THAT'S why he's calling. he dones't really like me, he likes the challenge. like you know, idk i just really wanted to c hi.ll with him tonight and now i kind a have nothing to do :(. like, when i told him i coudln't do something tomorrow *complete lie, i just didn't want to seem like always available* he was like yeah that's okay i'll just call you sometime and i think if he really liked me like deyonce and chris and ALL them say that he does, he would be like oh well i'll call you next weekend or something. and like idk, like we're not an anything yeah i know, but still like idk i just dont' get why i'm feeling EXACTLY like i did when i first went out with nolan *yes bad comparison* like, i'm getting the tinglies, real ones, and butterflies and giddy and happy and like the "uhh, uhhh durrr" I CAN'T TALK thing that i used to get, like idk. haha i feel stupid for even writing all this girly dreamy love stuff haha because i'm not a person who likes people erally easily, like i get INFATUATED, and i thinkj that i don't reallly like him, i'mk just, infatuated, or he's mysterious. idk i like that he is a "badboy" but also that he is smart, he knows like the big words and got straight a's, till he started smoking weed. he's just a good guy. paige doens't think he's the most attractive person, but whatever, he's a good guy. haha. like i just wnat him to call me back and magically be like omg i have you a ride i'm kidnapping you and your coming over NOW! but no that doenan't happen. today i was like fantasizing about him like ranndomly driving to my school and picking me up and surprising me by like just being there. (this is why it was a fantasy) i've always wanted that, like a little surprise from a guy i like to show he cares or is thinking about me, or like a boyfreind ro soemting. i think what i want out of this is like another relationshop, but a good one, like a real one, even though this wouldn't be real to me beacuase DUH the president cant date someone who smokes weed, but still like i want a cutsy one with someone again. i miss boyfriends, but like people i like, you know li8ke i'm never dating a friend again because it's stupid. like i miss the relationshop of nollan and i NOT NOLAN. becuase i felt secure,happy and loved for once in my life. i jsut wnat that again. :( that's why i'm hoping things will work out wiht paul and i, becuase i want something liek that again. like corey HAH what a joke, never will i date that kid. and zak, no not him either, he's a straight up boy, and eric, he's such a good guy liek i would be treated like a PRINCESS with him, and i don't know why i don't like him, today i actually missed him, it was weird as hell. i missed him coming to visit me, i missed him talking to me. it's sad. i kinda want to like talk to him, i would love to date him, but something is not letting me, i'm back to liking people who don't like me. kevin did, but then i dind't like what a pussy he turned into after we dated, nolan i felt inferior to, nels was just a mistake, and that's it for people i genuinely liked. it's a short list with an even shorter datage time. whatever. well thanks for reading this if you did.

i'm going to sleep.

so. i was right. we were all right. haha. it's kinda funny. things work out never for me. eh, it's not like i want it anymore. 

weight is good because of my lovely :)

tired now though.

well, yesterday was intereseting.

so i had a powder puff game :) but then my ex, bestfriend/boyfreind ignored me :( and it was sad. nowww, i told him not to ignore me and he's liek chill and i'm like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK!! LIKE YOU HONESTLY ARE BEING GAY. all in my head this was said, but stil. i miss him. nobody knows though, i'm pretending not to, but i do :( and he dones't want antyhing to do with me.

it's all so depressing. i'm talking to my councler about getting me free therapist so i can jsut have a place to talk and stuff :( :)

hopfefully soon, ill know what teh fuck is wrong wit hme

now everything if fucked up, i'm depressed and eating, and sick and sad and missing him and just missing him.

argg fuck boys!!

so it's done. and it's leaving me helpless. i wanted things towork, i alwasy say shit, but when the end comes, i'm devastated. he was my bestfriend 

then he was my boyfriend

now he's neither.

i just want it all back.

hmmm. idk what to do. i don't like us going out, but i don't like us not. i cna't imagine us not, or going back to being just friends, idk why, this fucking sucks and i know he likes me now, but i HATE WITH A PASSION when he texts katie when he's w ith me and won't text me when he's with her. it's like i'm the other woman. it's like i'm the mistress and she's the girlfriend. i just dont' like her being all up on him, i don't  feel any connection when we hang out, and i want to break up with him, but i cna't. but i also can't stop being so sad about us. it's not good for me. i dno't know what to do. i just don't know what to do. i want to cry.i'mcrying.




PEACEE.

weight is good.