+We're just two lost souls

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 05:14:43 GMT

oh and tonight jeff and i started to fuck in my car without a condom and i just said i coulnd't cause i can't have his baby! he even just said three "pumps" but i don't want to do that and risk it and also not get pleasured myself.

also his mother called and he told her what he was doing anhd he said "i'm going to [[some girls]] house"
and i go COUGH COUGH SOME GIRL?
and he goes "ashley's haha"

but that stuff bothers me he told me he tlaked to his mother babout me and shit. idkkkkkk.

:( i just relaly care about him but i'm not giong to cry or do that drug anymore around him haha cause all i do is let people down.

oh and how are you doing?

for my lovely laura loserface =]

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 05:12:45 GMT

Well, just to see what's going on. Hmmm..

Eating habits. While in utah not only did i throw up but i stopped eating and kinda got back to my old self. i lost only ten pounds but it's the push i needed to get back on track. but i've stopped throwing up my food because it takes alot of time for me toget it there and i just don't want it to be how i do things. i'd rahter not eat. well i've ate alot since i've got back. but i don't think i've gained any weight. i'm going to s tart going back to the gym to lose the last ten and be happy finally with the way i look. i really am only finally being pushed cause my mother is a bad inf.luence and told me daily "you'll get the weight off" and jeff always tells me i'm fat even though now i think he think's i'm hot finally.

jeff. he is the finest boy i've ever dated. usually i'm not shallow and i date guys who i like personality wise and really don't care about the looks of them. but jeff, he is different. he's actually cute and he always makes me laugh (and sometimes makes me cry). lately i had been crying LOTS because i was on drugs, nothing major, and it just made me emotional so i almost fucked up our relationship thing on that. which bothers me, and is a problem. jeff won't tell me we're dtaing but we act like we're dating. we kiss and peck and hug like we're dating. we hold hands in public, most of the tyme, we fuck (OHH IT'S SO GOOD) and we go out places together. idk what his deal is but everytime i want to leave and show him that he doens't have me under his spell i just can't. he makes me want him by not being clingy and not galways showing me attentino. idk i think i love him.

utahh. i didn't even notice the time there. it went by so quickly. i can't even believe that i was there. being with my mother and her other just efels like a dream now that i'm in michigan again. i just cant' fathom that i took the bus and dind't see my ferinds for a month. it's weird. i miss her but then again i don.t. my dating jeff is causing a rukus in the family. they don't see how i can love outside my color, which i again think is FUCKING IGNORANT, and they say brash remarks and are quick to blame him and guilt me.

in a way i miss doing heroin, cause i did it like a little bit this summer, but since i've went to utah i havent, but i stil lmiss it. idk if that makes me a drug addict or what. i just know that while in utah i CHOSE not to drink or even go to this park where they sell anyting you want because i'm trying to do good with my life. school is coming up and i'm just nervous that thinsg will be different. i have to lost the last ten before school starts. 125 is my goal forever. i won't have to lost any weight after taht.

but alright i'm outtie laura hope you like, i'll write more anotyiher time cause there is more i just can't remmeber anymore. :) love yo uboo.

Tue, 15 May 2007 01:08:01 GMT

laura dont' leave, i miss you.

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 02:59:08 GMT

tired. got gym membership. yay.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 01:59:53 GMT

i love albainians.

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 01:52:33 GMT

soooo i don't like things and stuff. i dont' know whatever. ineedsex. tomorrow starting december first i'm not eathing bad shit for the whole month.

game?>

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:36:26 GMT

I love salt :)
I love SALT L
i love SALT LI
i love SALT LIN
I love SALT LINE
I love SALT LINES
:)

shit son

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 17:45:20 GMT

<img src="http://www.flarn.com/~warlock/tarot/chinese/18.jpg">
<h2 align="center">You are The Moon</h2>
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.
The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.
What Tarot Card are You? <a href="http://www.flarn.com/~warlock/tarot" target="_blank">Take the Test to Find Out.</a>

i always do :)
well that's too late
i'm always skeptical

not skinny, but skinnIER:)

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 04:16:29 GMT

this whole thing is coming back to me now. and this weekend so much non eating shit is going down. fucking happy as hell. but now i have a boyfreinda gain haha. i'm just a serial dater, even though none of them measure up to my expectations, like am i asking to muc when i want

brains?
looks?
non smoke weed/drugs
goals
good grades
nice
and loves me or cares about me

paul has

brains ish, like he WAS smart, til lthe weed
drugs, duh
no goals
doesn't go to school
but is really a good guy

a little freak ;) but nice
he wanted phone sex today
but i had to lay down the law
and only when i have liquid courage

but back to weight
good i lost only five i gues these four days
it's still good
buy w/e
i'm nto satisfied
i need more
about twenty mroe cause i joined a game
and i'm bout to maybe win!!
even though i have the least self control
but still
goals!! i need goa,ls

i'm about to take adderal right now and tmorrow or saturday i'm bout to be trippin balls on some speed and not eat for four days or more :) and i got lots of adderall.

EVERYTHINGS like kinda going okay rightn ow.

mrs knapp still hasn't called my councler lady whatever, i guess i'll be fuckecd up foreve.r :)

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 23:49:14 GMT

i think in the past two days i have eaten 9 chocolate kisses
a cup of hot coco
a half cup of noodles
:)

today my grandpa and i had a sad moment. he said he's going to kill himself with a gun if he goes downhill or gets sick. this scares me because recently he got a gun certificate and is buying a gun in the next week. i told him that i wanted to at least know if he was going to, and i thoguht iw as going to bawl. and he started crying, descritely, and i let him pretend his eyes were itching because i know he would be embarrassed. it's sad becuase the reality of all this is, in less than two years he might be gone, a good chance. i won't ever get over him dying because he was my fatehr for all these years. practically. i really dont' know what i'll do because sometimes i feel like in our family i loev him the most, but of course nobody else thinks that. they all claim tocare about him but they only come knocking for money and when their feeling sad. because he will bring them up. i hope he doens't do it soon.

:( i wasted time arguing them and ti's true, you can't take back time.

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 23:04:15 GMT

:) X ONE MILLION.

thinking about boys in my life :/

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 03:56:12 GMT

haha i typed my user name thing to log on at tooth_paste

okay so i know i hav etrust issues, but i wanted somewhere to vent without thinking you'll htink i'm crazy, (cause i know you guys really care about me) but anway. so paul i think idk i htink that he's a normal guy and ys that sounds fucking obvious, but i was thinking, what if like i was in deyonce's phone as like "stupid hoe" or "give's it up easy" even though i didn't do shit with him but make out, like maybe he thinks that i will, and THAT'S why he's calling. he dones't really like me, he likes the challenge. like you know, idk i just really wanted to c hi.ll with him tonight and now i kind a have nothing to do :(. like, when i told him i coudln't do something tomorrow *complete lie, i just didn't want to seem like always available* he was like yeah that's okay i'll just call you sometime and i think if he really liked me like deyonce and chris and ALL them say that he does, he would be like oh well i'll call you next weekend or something. and like idk, like we're not an anything yeah i know, but still like idk i just dont' get why i'm feeling EXACTLY like i did when i first went out with nolan *yes bad comparison* like, i'm getting the tinglies, real ones, and butterflies and giddy and happy and like the "uhh, uhhh durrr" I CAN'T TALK thing that i used to get, like idk. haha i feel stupid for even writing all this girly dreamy love stuff haha because i'm not a person who likes people erally easily, like i get INFATUATED, and i thinkj that i don't reallly like him, i'mk just, infatuated, or he's mysterious. idk i like that he is a "badboy" but also that he is smart, he knows like the big words and got straight a's, till he started smoking weed. he's just a good guy. paige doens't think he's the most attractive person, but whatever, he's a good guy. haha. like i just wnat him to call me back and magically be like omg i have you a ride i'm kidnapping you and your coming over NOW! but no that doenan't happen. today i was like fantasizing about him like ranndomly driving to my school and picking me up and surprising me by like just being there. (this is why it was a fantasy) i've always wanted that, like a little surprise from a guy i like to show he cares or is thinking about me, or like a boyfreind ro soemting. i think what i want out of this is like another relationshop, but a good one, like a real one, even though this wouldn't be real to me beacuase DUH the president cant date someone who smokes weed, but still like i want a cutsy one with someone again. i miss boyfriends, but like people i like, you know li8ke i'm never dating a friend again because it's stupid. like i miss the relationshop of nollan and i NOT NOLAN. becuase i felt secure,happy and loved for once in my life. i jsut wnat that again. :( that's why i'm hoping things will work out wiht paul and i, becuase i want something liek that again. like corey HAH what a joke, never will i date that kid. and zak, no not him either, he's a straight up boy, and eric, he's such a good guy liek i would be treated like a PRINCESS with him, and i don't know why i don't like him, today i actually missed him, it was weird as hell. i missed him coming to visit me, i missed him talking to me. it's sad. i kinda want to like talk to him, i would love to date him, but something is not letting me, i'm back to liking people who don't like me. kevin did, but then i dind't like what a pussy he turned into after we dated, nolan i felt inferior to, nels was just a mistake, and that's it for people i genuinely liked. it's a short list with an even shorter datage time. whatever. well thanks for reading this if you did.

i'm going to sleep.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 03:00:20 GMT

august_baby27

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 02:35:16 GMT

well, things have been going okay. i have no more coke to keep me going, but whatever i'm done with that. i've really been thinking about speed lately, like i really want to do it. i have no idea where do get it though, nobody knows where the helld to get it, or what it even is. and i'm thinking their dumb.

this weekend i got to chill with paul<3 i haven't seen him in forever, probably since like last march or so, i know he's been trying to get ahold of me. but he's a good guy, even though he is funny when he's drunk ;) (he kept telling me to take my pants off and i'm like haha yeah rightttt)

but anwyas, tomorrow i'm chillin with this kid named corey, and i know he likes me alot, but to be honest. BOOTY CALL.

fuck food. fuck being sick. fuck not doing homework. but yay for new begginnings and loss of fake people.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 19:03:37 GMT

so. i was right. we were all right. haha. it's kinda funny. things work out never for me. eh, it's not like i want it anymore.

weight is good because of my lovely :)

tired now though.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 02:04:13 GMT

well, yesterday was intereseting.

so i had a powder puff game :) but then my ex, bestfriend/boyfreind ignored me :( and it was sad. nowww, i told him not to ignore me and he's liek chill and i'm like DUDE WHAT THE FUCK!! LIKE YOU HONESTLY ARE BEING GAY. all in my head this was said, but stil. i miss him. nobody knows though, i'm pretending not to, but i do :( and he dones't want antyhing to do with me.

it's all so depressing. i'm talking to my councler about getting me free therapist so i can jsut have a place to talk and stuff :( :)

hopfefully soon, ill know what teh fuck is wrong wit hme

now everything if fucked up, i'm depressed and eating, and sick and sad and missing him and just missing him.

argg fuck boys!!

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 03:59:19 GMT

so it's done. and it's leaving me helpless. i wanted things towork, i alwasy say shit, but when the end comes, i'm devastated. he was my bestfriend

then he was my boyfriend

now he's neither.

i just want it all back.

127-8

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 22:17:22 GMT

i haven't weighed myself yet, but all i had today was a salad with no fat dressing, cream of wheat with nonfat milk, and a half piece of toast NO butter. :)

and yesterday night iwa s about 128 with binging and such, so tomorrow morning i'll let you know the real results

i feel so happy right now.!! LOSING. by halloween i should be 122, GOAL! i'm not happy about the boyfriend though, we may not be going out :( but iwant to!!

well i'm off to do five hours of hommewrokkkk
peacce

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOU.

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 01:42:51 GMT

hmmm. idk what to do. i don't like us going out, but i don't like us not. i cna't imagine us not, or going back to being just friends, idk why, this fucking sucks and i know he likes me now, but i HATE WITH A PASSION when he texts katie when he's w ith me and won't text me when he's with her. it's like i'm the other woman. it's like i'm the mistress and she's the girlfriend. i just dont' like her being all up on him, i don't feel any connection when we hang out, and i want to break up with him, but i cna't. but i also can't stop being so sad about us. it's not good for me. i dno't know what to do. i just don't know what to do. i want to cry.i'mcrying.

PEACEE.

weight is good.

he passed and i didnt' cry, ause my anger wouldn't let me feel for a stranger.

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 00:57:23 GMT

i'm not doing my homework :) haha even though i should
well this weekend was soo good!

today i only had 370 calories :):):) and my boy and i worked everything out
yesterday i only had 450 calories it was amazing as hell

i'm losing losing losing!! and i'm not weighing myslef till tomorrow morning so i hav eno idea how muc h i weigh

the albos are family now.:-D GREAT FOR ME

oh and my byfriends freinds TPed my house. yay for me cause i'm totally gonna go oldschool revenge on their ass;)

i'll follow you into the dark.

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 18:01:55 GMT

^{i talked to him and everything is way good.
way way waywayway good.
i kinda likd boyfriends now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

weight 129

yesterday i did good, but the god damn beers i had (7 busch) kinda made up for me doing good
today, i've had 3 grapes and half of a half of egg salad sandwich.

idk the calories.

where can i go for a good calorie thing. liek to see how many calories is in a grape?}

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 02:08:22 GMT

me--"well i think that if i did care abot you, we're at two differnt spots."

him--"yeah, like i can say i like you, like i really like you, but you know..."

me--"yeah, well i got homework to do."

FUCK ME. :'(

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 18:58:11 GMT

hmm i'm becoming too obsessive. i dont' lvoe him. i'm tired of not being able to become attached to somebody, it sucks. but i also don't like that when i do, it become creepily obsessed. like with nolan. i lvoed him and yes we dated for like 8 months but htat doens't mean for 5 months extra i had to be sad and depressed. i dont' wnat it to turn out like that with nels cause i know we'll have something that is real. but i dont' wnat to start off with it like that too soon. i don't know. i'm sick of this. i don't want to get upset but i honestly can't go a day without texting him or seeing him or hanging out with him or tlaking to him. so i'm going to go a full day. deirdre and his relationship was liek that and towards the end thigns got bad.

i don't love him.

thank god.

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 03:51:45 GMT

fjsdvjdilgjsdlkfjsdkifsdakfhsdkthinkfsdlakfjsdkilsdkjfsdkllovefsdfjsdklfjsdhim.fdsfsdfsdfsdfsd;;;;

shitttt. but idk. you know. i'm so confused. i only think about it now. it's too early. i know it is, but still

in the back of my mind, i'm always thinking.

sometimes i think we're goign to break up and i get sad. i feel like i was to cry. does that mean i'm in love? i don't know.

i want to be with him a lot. does that mean i'm in love?

i care about him alot. does that mean i'm in love?

i only like him, like i know i won't cheat on him. does that mean i'm in love?

~~WHAT IS LOVE?!~~

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 05:27:15 GMT

hmm i have such a good feeling a bout this boy:) he's everything i want in someone, and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. like i want to go and hug him to death but i also want to cry. i feel so emo and sad lately. i think i'm becoming depressed again. i don't know why i always seem to be depressed. maybe i'm bipolar. like i've been thinking about my grandpa lately and whenever he tells jokes, which used to make me laugh, i want to cry because soon enough i won't be able to hear his joke anymore until i die. thenn i just want to get out of high schoo land start my life, but then i feel trapped and scared for the future. like i want to be with everyone forever, but i'm leaving for california in a year and so many odd months. thennn, i'm in love with cocaine again, :(. i want it alot, but then i don't because i dont' want to get in trouble, but i want it. i like it. then, i dont like the way i am right now, my grandpa made me feel really fat, because for two days i didn't eat thennn at homecoming we took pictures and i felt skinny nad pretty and he had to ruin it and look at my pictures and be like, your supposed to suck your stomach in, and i'm like thanks grandpa the asshole.

:(

i hate being sad. i should be happy things are next to perfect right now. i started gaging my ears.